Marriage
in Islam

From: Marriage in Islam by Muhammad
Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D

with comments from Albani's book ' The Etiquettes of
Marriages and Weddings'

Mutual Rights and
Obligations

In order to ensure an atmosphere
of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly
established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining
the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights
and obligations arising from this relationship.

In Islam the husband is the head of the
household. This is not male chauvinism. It derives from the natural
psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a
regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological
effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor
can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go
out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it
was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her
equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her
dignity and recovered her freedom.

The Koran stresses her right to benefit from
the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his
(IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI,
58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest
chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed
that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the
offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous
free action in making this most important decision.

Let us now set out to consider the
obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then
proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.

THE HUSBAND'S
DUTIES

1. A husband is responsible for the
protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for
the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to
cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen
facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her
two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing
suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their
quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is
also entitled to a comfortable, independent accommodation, suitably
furnished and provided with basic sanitation facilities. She is not
obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not
obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herself with her
husband in a relaxed atmosphere, free from the embarrassment caused by the
presence of another adult in the household. The cost of smoking or of a
forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.

2. In addition to providing these material
needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must
treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid
hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something
disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not
habitually behave out of bounds. The Koran reads: ...and treat them
[women] kindly. [IV,19}

And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon
him, says: [Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak
partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word
permissible for you.

He also says: Whoever of you whose wife
behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience,
God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his
patience.

Patient behavior was the practice of the
Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his
mother-in-law- saw her daughter strike him with her fist on his noble
chest. When the enraged mother-in-law began to reproach her daughter, the
Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than
that."

And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was
invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The
Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You
speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he
immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection
behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of
herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Prophet said,
"O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah],
nor did we anticipate it."

3. It is further recommended that a husband
be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making
agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, in spite of
his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with
Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an
Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said
to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them
and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched
his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest
on his arm so that she could see comfortably. A while later the Prophet
asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked,
"Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for
the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a
gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that
of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives.
"

The Prophet also used to say, "Surely God
does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A
Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and
left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and
did not bother when something was missing!"

4. It is of supreme importance that the
husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care
and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own
enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual
bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with
love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their
first experience on the wedding day, he has to be particularly gentle. The
husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should
endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this
respect.

Because of the importance of this element,
early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the
techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right
Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original
and stimulating than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material
now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the
remarks made by these early authorities.

They stress the importance of preliminary
love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse
the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a
successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is
recommended that the following prayer be said: In the name of Almighty
God, the Most High, Please, God, ward off the evil forces away from us and
from the blessings You bestow upon us.

[In arabic: bismillahi, allahumma jannibnaa
ash-shaytan ,wa jannib asshaytan maa razaqtana (al-Bukharee)]

[Also it is desirable that the wife and
husband pray two rakat nawafil together on their wedding night before
approaching each other. This is based upon some ahadith, one of them being
in which the Prophet advised a man named Abu Hareez: Verily, closeness is
from Allah, and hatred is from Shaytan, who wishes to make despicable what
Allah has allowed. So when you wife comes to you, tell her to pray behind
you two rakat" (Sahih from Abi Shaibah, at-Tabaraani and
AbdurRazaq]

The authorities also recommend that in the
process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas
of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to complete
fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this
moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be
maintained.

On the one hand, both partners may utter
exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their
pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but
neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the
act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the
repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."

On the other hand, it is to be remembered
that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on
excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and
that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a
polluting stuff unnecessarily.

[There is difference of opinion as regards to
whether the male sperm is pure; the majority and insha'allah stronger
opinion is that it is pure; yet pre-seminal fluid is impure. Also this
does not in anyway make the following conclusion of the author redundant-
MSA Web Master Note]

Therefore the custom of licking the excitable
areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be
unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is
indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds
of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their
relationship.

The position to be assumed by male and female
in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the
attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some
fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest
varieties of details. We do not need to discuss this matter here at
length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment,
can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most
suitable and comfortable for themselves.

Muslim writers also emphasize that the
husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to
hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his
efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might
be injurious.

[Al-Albani notes in his book 'The Etiquettes
of marriage and weddings' published by the jamiat ihyaa minhaaj al-sunnah
the following: It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her
vagina from any direction he wishes-- from behind or front. About this
Allah revealed the following verse: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you;
so approach you tilth when or how ye will;"(2-223)

A hadith on the authority of Jaabir is: The
Jews used to say that if a man entered his wife in the vagina but from
behind, their child would be cross-eyed! Then Allah revealed the verse as
above. The Prophet (S) said: "From the front or the back, as long as it is
in the vagina" ]

They also recommend that parting at the end
of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or
indifferent.

After some rest both parties have to have the
full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the
time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the
ceremonial pollution arising from coitus.

[The author is incorrect in this regard.
Rather it is preferred that the couple make at least wudhu as soon as
possible. This is from various hadith. One clear one in this regard is
that the Prophet (S) said: There are three which the angels will never
approach: The corpse of a disbeliever; a man who wears perfume of women;
and one who has sex until he performs wudhu (i.e the angels do not
approach him until he performs wudhu. Bathing obviously is preferred
before sleeping based on another hadith in which Aisha(rd). The command of
wudhu however is not obligatory but very highly recommended (mustahab)-
From Albani's book].

Prior to having this bath, the parties, like
a woman during her period of menstrual discharge, are forbidden to perform
prayers or to touch or read the Koran. Moreover, it is better to delay
hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution. [This
matter is of great difference of opinion. For an excellent insight into
the matter, refer to the article by Sheikh Jamal. However, the majority
and safer opinion remains as the author has mentioned.]

It is also recommended that the husband be a
messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O
Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech. Another
tradition reads: Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to
fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was
worthy of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and
to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her]
and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own
fulfillment. When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off
their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by
[stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by
kissing.

[It should be stated though, that there is
nothing wrong with a husband and wife being naked in front of each other
and for them to see whatever they please of each other. In fact the
Prophet (S) bathed with his wife Aisha (RD) who narrates: I used to bathe
with the Prophet (S) from a single container of water which was placed
between us such that our hands collided inside it. He (S) used to race me
such that I would say:' Leave some for me, leave some for me! She added:'
We were in a state of sexual defilement' "(Al-Bukharee/Muslim)]

In the course of their game of pleasure a
husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each
other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type
of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his
wife's genitals, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover,
coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penetration
in the back passage is always forbidden. If the female genitals are to be
avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary
blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an internal factor in the case of
the back passage.

Prohibition also applies to all types of
unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two
persons of the same sex or otherwise. Early Muslim authorities also
discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the
experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems,
however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the
personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many
factors, including their age and the condition of their health.

5. A husband should also see to it that his
wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage
her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the
rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as
during the period of postnatal discharge, the obligation of mandatory
prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is
lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the
ablution of a full bath.

6. A husband should not harbor doubts or
suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and
a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in
reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against
all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to
engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife.
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: There is a type of
jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for
that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate
cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is
unduly aroused.

The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own
daughter, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not
mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was
pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its
roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners;
and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are
likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion. [...]

8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband
should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to
alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to
God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If
his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his
way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel
disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for
him.

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him,
says: Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished
upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a
protection for him against the punishment of the Hell
Fire.

Whoever brings home some good things to his
children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by
giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the
merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely
fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.

Whoever has two daughters or two sisters
under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, even if it is delivered in
a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of
the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one
in its left ear.

It is recommended that a boy be circumcised
on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth
itself.

Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is
recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger
animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the
poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the
baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as
'aqiqah.

[It is important to point out that it is
forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets
of their bedroom to anyone outside. As the Prophet said: "Verily among the
worst people before Allah on the day of Qiyama is a man who approaches his
wife sexually and she responds and then he spreads her secrets". All
comments are eventually understood from Albani's book. The book is almost
a must-have for those who cant understand Arabic.]

THE WIFE'S
DUTIES

1. The first task of the wife is to create a
home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live
together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be
achieved depends on her taste and their means and upon prevailing values
and conditions.

2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her
husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should
avoid associating with undesirable or suspicious elements and should not
entertain alone any male friends.

3. The management of the household is the
wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation,
house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or
has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them
in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from
her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is
important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate
each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.

4. The wife should not be too demanding; she
must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may
extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or
luxurious pieces of furniture beyond her husband's means.

5. The wife should take care of herself in
order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband.
She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should
avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but
also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely
artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daughter on her wedding
day:

O my daughter! you are leaving the home in
which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion
unfamiliar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft
seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him,
he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he
should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become
indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he
turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his
eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his
eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear
nothing from you except nice, fine words.

6. In managing the household, the wife should
economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's
wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within
this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away
beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own
disadvantage on the Day of Judgment. [...]

An objective analysis of the above outline of
the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and
stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the
following facts:

1. The husband-wife relationship is to be
based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutual
respect, love and regard.

2. The husband is alone responsible for the
entire cost of, and the wife is the mistress of, the household. The
objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means
of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to achieve
optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to
the perpetuation of the human race.

3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind
follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful
natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual
attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its
attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and
child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship
as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected,
virtuous and beloved partner.

4. Within the framework of the above basic
considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for
custom and prevailing traditions, consistent with the moral values of
Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution
of their mutual responsibilities in order to meet their needs as they may
see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.

5. An interesting point which emphasizes that
the wife does not lose her own independent character on getting marries is
that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her
marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs.
James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not
simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a
wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own
family.