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Islam and the Family

By: Sayyid Mujtaba Musavi Lari

While the warp of society is the individual person and
the woof is social order, the unit of the design is the
family. Families in which mutual understanding, sincerity
and tenderness reign, form details of a harmonious
pattern. But a family in confusion and disarray distorts
and mars the pattern.

The instinct for survival is innate in human beings.
Producing children is the expression of one urge of this
instinct, for a child seems like an extension of one's
own personality, and a guarantee of the continuance of
the same life-force. The primary origin of the urge to
found families is sought by many thinkers in this
instinct for survival.

The need to feed and support a family incites a man to
industrial productivity.

Other thinkers hold that the primary urge towards
family-founding was merely the sex instinct; others
favour the gregarious instinct; others regard wedlock as
a mere commercial transaction between families entered
into for the profit of both.

In fact, communal living in society requires families
as its units of construction. To degrade the pure love
between husband and wife merely to sex, profit or
protection, is to deny human nature at its highest.

Some say that, since in the inchoate days of human
living the woman as a weaker being could not exist except
under a man's protection, family life is merely a
feminine institution imposed on man. This is manifest
nonsense: for it ignores a man's need of woman, which may
be different from woman's need of man, but is just as
deeply and inextricably a part of his nature. True, man
has to be the breadwinner in most cases. But he needs his
mate as a partner in happiness, in joy and in sound
living. In marriage is the end of loneliness. Each sex
needs the other. This is why male and female made
He them.

God implanted the sex instinct. God created sex
differences. He created the survival instinct, the
security instinct and the society instinct of
gregariousness. All these were part of His providence in
preparing mankind to be His joyful family Sociologists
give each instinct its due weight in the scheme. They say
that the exact role of each instinct varies with the
changes in social structure. In primitive society the
need to find food and housing is of primary importance.
In the ancient agricultural community the need for
children became paramount since many hands make light
work. Today the sex urge has come very much to the fore,
since humanity has devised means to achieve adequate
food, satisfactory housing and machines to do the work.
But over and above the instincts, the urge to love and
the need to be loved are amongst the highest attributes
of human nature.

Islam answers the call of nature affirmatively, with
its insistence on the family as the best safeguard of
public virtue, and its asseveration that it is the only
right and legitimate way. It is written in the Sura XVI: Nahl-
The Bee verse 72: God has made mates
for you of your own nature and made for you of them
children and grandchildren and posterity, and provided
for you sustenance of the best. Are they then going to
believe in vain things and not be grateful for God's
favours?

Islam sets out to protect young people from being led
astray by the strength of the God-implanted sexual urge
in the years before their character and conscience have
matured and their will is governed by discretion. That is
why it lays on parents the responsibility of I
admonishing youth, and of imparting rules of. life and
guidelines of prudence which will lead to godliness and
the natural use of the power of procreation. It also
holds parents responsible for arranging early I marriages
for those who are mature enough to wed. Young people not
yet I economically capable of supporting a family may
find the thrust of the sex urge so strong that, without
the guiding hand of their parents on the 1 reins, the
horses of nature may run away with them and carry them
into danger or into the trap of illicit sex. Parents must
steer the life-force into I its God-given legitimate
channels where peace of mind and calm of conscience
accompany the happiness of a shared life.

The Prophet is reported to have preached thus from the
pulpit of the mosque: O Muslim community! Your
daughters are like ripe fruit on a tree. Fruit must be
picked at its optimum moment; otherwise the sun or other
agencies will rot or spoil it. You must likewise give
your daughters in marriage at the moment when they are
ripe, and neither later nor sooner. If you leave them
hanging about too long, their inevitable , corruption
will be your fault. They are human, and their human needs
must be met.

Ali bin Asbat wrote a reply to a letter which he had
received from the 5th Imam, thus: I find no young
men who are suitable and fitted to be husbands for my
daughters. What then is my duty? In answer the Imam
wrote: Do not wait until you find young men who are
exactly to your liking in all respects. For our Holy
Prophet said: 'If you do not find young people to wed
your daughters who correspond with your personal desires,
have regard only to their character, especially their
morals and their religion, and let the qualifications you
require in husbands for your daughters be faith and
morals alone, since with these a young man makes a
satisfactory husband; and if you choose someone without
these qualifications you are personally responsible for
misleading and perverting your young people.

Thus Islam not only does not put obstacles in the way
of matrimony, but turns this force of nature to the
advantage of society and of the individual for his
physical wellbeing, mental health, calm of spirit and
contentment of heart. Islam regards marriage as a sacred
union of hearts, a source of serenity and security for
both partners. To fulfil this function it needs the
qualities of purity, loving-kindness, humanity,
gentleness, goodness and faith in the depths of the
heart. As it is written in Sura XXX: Rome
verse 21: Amongst God's signs for you is this,
that He created mates for you from among yourselves for
you to dwell with in tranquillity. It is He who put love
and compassion between you. Verily in these are signs for
those who reflect.

Islam lays down clear rules to govern the
relationships within the family. Sura IV Nisa'a
-The Women calls marriage the firm
bond and is concerned throughout the first 42
verses with the practical details of the contract of
marriage and its fulfillment.

The sense of belonging together is nourished. Fairness
governs the share each partner gives and takes in the
compact. Each gives according to their ability and each
takes according to their need. As Sura 11: Baqara
-The Heifer affirms in verse 228: Wife
and husband, women and men, have reciprocal and
commensurable rights according to what is
equitable.

Islam pays the closest and most meticulous attention
to the capacities of each sex with regard to their
occupation, profession and work. The man has the duty of
being the breadwinner and providing for material needs
and the production of things. The woman is the
housekeeper with the duty of providing for the family's
needs and for the production of new people, for nursing
the new generation and caring for the upbringing of
posterity. Islam recognises the natural consequences of
the way a woman is made, and will not allow her to be
demeaned or degraded in any way; but preserves her from
the wickedness of those who would lead her astray into
corruption, and confers upon her a dignity, both at home
and out of doors, which is worthy of her calling. It is
of course possible that in an emergency a woman may be
called to undertake tasks outside her home. But Islam
seeks to avoid the kind of contacts between the sexes in
the course of their employment which could turn
fellowship into familiarity and comradeship into
concupiscence. Therefore women must not dress in a
provocative or enticing fashion nor titillate men's
sexual lusts so that the madness which leads to
promiscuity of intercourse is aroused.

Like any other institution, the family and its home
needs a responsible head. Without a firm hand at the helm
a family can drift in confusion. Either the wife or the
husband must therefore take the lead, and nature shows
that in general it is more fitting for the man to steer,
even if in exceptional cases the woman must take command.

The man, in accepting the responsibility of the
household, its livelihood, its wellbeing, its children
and their care, merits the authority of a head, because
his greater strength, perseverance and endurance make him
more fitted than the woman to carry the heavy burden of
safeguarding the family from collapse and confusion.
Further, woman is a creature of emotion, and quicker to
be swayed by feelings. Woman is more ruled by her heart
and man more by his head. So Islam gives the prime
responsibility to the person of reason, precisely as
Article 213 of the most recent constitution of France
does. At the same time, Islam lays down that teamwork,
partnership, consultation and joint planning are to be
the rule. The man is on no account to be left free to
pursue his self-willed desires regardless. He must
definitely never tyrannise over his wife or abuse or
bully her. It is written in Sura IV Nisa'a
-The Women'. verse 19: Believers! You may not
take over a brother's widow without her consent. You may
not treat your wives harshly. You may not goad wife into
suing you for a khula' (divorce) by which she has
to a part of the dower which you gave her - save only if
she be guilty of forfeit lewd conduct. Nay! live with
your wives in kindness and equity. Should you dislike
them for something, that very thing may be a point
through which God will bring much blessing.

The husband, in shouldering the burden of external
affairs for the support of the family has full control of
everything relevant to his task. But inside the walls Of
the home the wife is in full control, and hers is the
duty of arranging the details of daily living, the
disposition of the household effects and the upbringing
of the children. The Prophet said: The man is the
breadwinner responsible for the family, while the wife
has the responsibility for the house and for her husband
and for the children.-' (Majmoo' wa ram p.6/
Collections and Remains.)

Modern disrespect for the bond of marriage is due to
the negligence of this high conception of wedlock.
Instead it has been degraded by a mass of petty dreams
and twisted imaginations. Men's thinking about marriage
was in ruins before their families began to fall apart.
Too many have entered on the married state without a
thought for the importance of harmony of mind and spirit
between man and wife. Fortune hunters, Casanovas,
women-chasers prizing a pretty face above all else, have
pushed the spiritual values out of sight and trodden
their own best interests underfoot.

The prevalence of such badly founded families
forebodes a tragic future. The deep incompatibility of
thought between man and wife sets them as far apart as
the poles. The gap between them gapes wider daily.
Contentment and peace of heart flee from them. They get
on each other's nerves. The harmony which ethical values,
unselfishness and human affection bring, as both sides do
all they can to strengthen the spiritual life of each
other, departs. A family must be founded firmly on due
consideration of the environmental conditions, the proper
setting for the wife, and the compatibility of the
partners' ways of thinking and of their moral standards.
Marriage must be thought of as holy and basic. Only from
this correct viewpoint can the inevitable difficulties of
living together be satisfactorily settled.

Islam has paid due attention to all the deleterious
consequences of wrongly based marriage, its divisions and
unhappiness. It therefore founds the family not on
fortune or passion or outward beauty or any material
things, but on faith and virtue, and chastity and purity
and spiritual qualities and affections, and piety both in
the man and ID the woman. The Prophet is reported to have
said: Whosoever takes a wife merely because of her
beauty will never find what he sought in her. Whose takes
a wife solely for her fortune, the Lord will abandon him.
Seek therefore a wife whose beauty is that of faith and
whose fortune is purity of living. (Vassa'el,
Vol. 3, p.6.)

In the book Man la yahdhur (p.209),
There is no institution more beloved than
marriage is stated as Islam's policy for matrimony.
Persons who seek to avoid founding a family on
unreasonable or false grounds are sternly rebuked, and
condemned for every form of pretext to which they resort
for perverting the God-given force of sex from its proper
use. In the book Safeene al-Bahar
(Vol. 1, p.561), we read: Wedlock and matrimony
belong to my religion. Whosoever protests against this
way of life excludes himself from my religion and is not
one of mine. Similarly Islam is against the wedding
of people who lack the qualities of personality and the
excellences of spirit which are required: and against
wedding into families which do not profit from religious
upbringing in moral standards. As is written in the
Vassa'el - chapter 7 of the .'Book of
Wedlock the Prophet in a sermon said: Avoid
beautiful plants and flowers which grow by the side of
filthy and polluted waters.' The Prophet was asked: 'O
Prophet of Allah! what is a plant by a stagnant pool?' He
replied: A beautiful woman brought up in a perverse
family that has not known the restraints of
instruction'.

It is natural that consorts who are not brought up on
absolute moral standards and religious laws can never be
sure of true family happiness and blessedness. The fruit
of such marriages can only be delinquent children, rough,
violent, without serenity or security of spirit.
Therefore Islam, to ensure the happiness of both parties,
lays particular stress on matters of morals and of
mentality. It is to guard against the production of a
generation that is corrupt and perverted that Islam seeks
to avoid matrimony with members of families that are
polluted and degraded.

If young people, at the moment when they have to
choose their life's partner, would do so in accordance
with Islamic rules and regulations instead of only
looking at externals, and weigh the realities which are
vital to happiness, setting aside false thinking inspired
by polluted passions that so swiftly pass, there is no
doubt that the unhappiness and family disasters brought
on family life by the devotees of sexual freedom and
permissiveness would all very rapidly disappear into thin
air. Yet some of today's youth have been taught that a
trial-marriage, to see if a couple suit each other in
intercourse, is the right way and the ideal preparation
for happy life-partnership. How can they think that a
brief experience of a fleeting pleasure of two bodies can
plumb the depths of the spiritual qualities, mental
abilities, moral gifts and personality-traits of another
soul? To expect to found an eternal relationship on a few
moments of pleasure is a nonsensical piece of illogic.
That should be enough to condemn it out of hand, quite
apart from all the moral and spiritual damage which such
temporary liaisons cannot fail to cause. The inner
qualities of a personality only appear in a long period
of a shared life. It is the ever-changing scene and stage
of their living together which reveals the truth of two
partners' inward nature to each other. Patience,
forbearance, equanimity, steadiness, contentment,
selflessness, self-sacrifice are discovered when life's
pressures crowd in on the soul. How can brief moments of
rest and fun and trips a deux penetrate to the deep
ethical characteristics? Can a visit to the cinema or
some other place of entertainment reveal their true
selves to a couple? Indeed, in trial-marriages both
partners try to conceal their bad sides and put on a good
mask to fool each other.

Can a young man in the heat of passion make a decision
which is the most fateful of his life? Can a
trial-marriage ensure that there is no difference in
spirit and no weak point in their relationship? And how
can a young person ruled by the conditions of his years
when the inclination to satisfy sexual instincts is so
strong. weigh the essential conditions for a sound
marriage dispassionately and detachedly? How can he be
sure that quarrels and differences will not arise in the
future?

It is for this reason that Islam recommends that,
before the final signing of a marriage contract, the
young people should meet each other and talk; but also,
and far more important, they should get an assessment of
their proposed partner's character and tastes and traits
and capacities from independent observers who are able to
judge from long acquaintance.

Or, since the family happiness depends in the first
place on the equality of the relations between man and
wife in their shared life, the firmer the spiritual and
ethical bonds the surer the happiness of the household
and the greater its ability to stand the shocks of life
in selfless self-sacrifice and union. This is why the
Prophet said. .'Best of my people is the man who
shows his family not harshness but perfect kindness and
goodness. (Moral Excellence. p.247 Makarem-ul-Akhlaq.)
And again (Man la yahdhur p.625):
Best amongst you is he who treats his family well:
and I am kindest of all to my own family. Similarly
the wife should treat her husband with kindness, and this
is called her .Sacred Jehad (Tafseer-ad-Dorr
al-manthoor .Gems of Wisdom).

One of the sad obstacles to early marriages today is
the difficulty which finance poses for young people.
Provision of the marriage portion, expensive ceremonies,
the high cost of houses, and a dozen other extravagant
charges are too much for the average youth. Islam insists
, that the state should take steps to enable these
difficulties to be overcome in the interests of the
institution of matrimony. The book Gems of I
Wisdom reports the Prophet of Islam as saying:
It is an auspicious and beneficent act that the
bride's family should make their demands for dowry and
terms of the marriage contract mild and lenient.

Excessive demands may reveal not only that the bride's
family but possibly also the bride herself is grasping
and hard. The chapter on marriage portions in the book
'Vassa'el tells the following story.
One day the Apostle of God was seated with the assembly
of his companions when a young woman rushed in and after
the customary courteous salutations said: O Apostle
of God I want a young husband. The Prophet turned
to all those present and asked: Has anyone an
inclination to take this woman to wife? One man
said he was willing. I The Prophet asked what dowry he
would give. He replied: I have nothing I can
give. So the Prophet said. No! The
woman returned on a later occasion and requested to be
married. No one replied. Finally the same young man who
had no fortune or property at his disposition made a
sign, and the Prophet addressed him thus: Do you
know the Qur'an? He said: Sure! The
gracious Apostle then decreed: I will marry you to
this woman at the price of the dowry which will consist
in your teaching her a portion of the Qur'an every
day.

Islam therefore refuses to recognise that financial
difficulties may put obstacles in the way of young
people's matrimony. It allows indigent and needy persons
to found families by law. Islam regards fear of poverty
and of involvement as false excuses for avoiding the
divine law of life in wedlock, and says that Providence
knows a family's needs and will not let them fall into
deprivation.

It is written in Sura XXIV: Nur-Light,
verse 32: Provide the means by which worthy and
fitting persons who have no spouse may marry. If they are
poor and indigent God out of His gracious care will
supply their needs.

Of course hard work and industry is the way in which a
man should supply his needs. When a man undertakes the
responsibilities of matrimony, in order to make both ends
meet he must increase his activities and his hard work.
This is one of the functions of marriage in raising the
standard of living for the whole of society.