How do you determine people’s emotional hot buttons? Why not start with your own feelings. For example, think about what upsets you. What events make you feel miserable and sad? Try to think about the last time you felt this way, following these steps:
Describe the event that made you feel this way.
Indicate what happened just before this event. How did you feel?
Indicate how you felt as the event unfolded or began.
Write down what you were hoping to happen or expecting to happen.
Indicate how you felt at the conclusion of the event that upset you.
Try to recall how your emotions changed after the upsetting event, and indicate how you felt until you remember a feeling that goes back to a neutral or slightly positive point.
You can ask yourself the same sort of questions about other emotions. If you are a keen observer of people, you can also unravel their personal demons, loves, and passions. Consider a time when a colleague was worried, and then trace back the events leading up to that observation of worry. Don’t interpret the events personally, as you usually would; instead, think about whether it is possible that the colleague sees the world differently than you do.
Once you understand the causes of various emotions, you’re ready to learn the language of emotion and enhance your emotional vocabulary. You really need a rich vocabulary of emotion words to be an emotionally intelligent manager. Even if you are emotionally intelligent in three of the four ability areas, if you lack a sophisticated emotional vocabulary, then you may not be able to express your insights or communicate deeply with others.
We present a list of emotion terms in Exhibit 10.1 to help you develop your emotional vocabulary. For each common emotion term, we list a series of descriptors:
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HAPPINESS Serene Happy Joyous Ecstatic Related terms and phrases Delight Gladness Euphoria Satisfaction Pleasure Amusement Spread cheer Feel happy for another Be positive Share another’s joy ACCEPTANCE Admire Accept Trust Related terms and phrases Embrace Welcome Feel confidence Have faith Cherish Like Love Adore Feel interest ANTICIPATION Interest Anticipation Vigilance Related terms and phrases Fascinate Intrigue Attract Charm Expect SURPRISE Distraction Surprise Amazement Related terms and phrases Wonder Awe Astonishment Shock Bewilderment Disbelief Incredulity Stupefaction ANGER Annoyance Anger Rage Related terms and phrases Hatred Irritation Frustration Malice Ill-will Fury Indignation DISGUST Boredom Loathing Related terms and phrases Revile Be averse to Dislike Be amoral Behave in a gross way FEAR Apprehension Fear Terror Related terms and phrases Dread Jitters Anxiety Worry Concern Trepidation Nervousness Wariness Edginess Misgivings SADNESS Pensive Sad Grief-stricken Related terms and phrases Dejected Unhappy Sorrowful Distressed Anguished Lonely Blue Down “Bummed out” |
Least intense experience of that emotion
Middle-level intensity of emotion
Intense experience of that emotion
To use your emotional vocabulary, you first must be accurately aware of the emotion. Then you’ll need to identify how intense the feeling is that you are experiencing. Finally, select the appropriate emotional word to describe and communicate the feeling as exactly as possible.
Language and words are powerful. Because emotions contain information and data, the emotionally intelligent manager must have a sophisticated emotional vocabulary in order to communicate with precision and effectiveness to others.
Why does this matter, and what does it have to do with management? It matters because it has a good deal to do with being an effective manager. Managers communicate with others, and the more effective the communication, the more effective the group. Does it matter whether you say that you are surprised by the team’s recommendation, or shocked, or angry? You bet it does! A manager who simply indicates, “Your ideas are a bit surprising” is not communicating a lot of detail or information and certainly is not giving concrete feedback that the group can use as they review their proposed plan. Instead, what if this manager were to say, “I am surprised to hear that you need an extra six months to complete the project. I am upset that this is the first time I heard about this delay”? Would this emotional communication be heard differently by the team than the blas comment, “Your ideas are a bit surprising”?